


Dungeon Employee Shenanigans

by EtchCantrellorLightningHeterodyne



Series: Shenanigans [2]
Category: The Order of the Stick
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-03-02 19:18:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18817327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtchCantrellorLightningHeterodyne/pseuds/EtchCantrellorLightningHeterodyne
Summary: Dorukan hires people and regrets it, the employee complaint box overflows, dwarves cut corners, Lirian keeps her boyfriend sane, his secretary is dubbed 'the Coffee Fairy', Serini drops by to drive everyone insane, people go on strike and subsequently get eaten, everyone gets a pay raise, and there's a petition to send Dorukan to the nearest insane asylum in exchange for the ability to eat outside the break room.





	1. The Employee Complaint Box

Dorukan sighed as he flopped into his office chair once more. Employees were a nightmare. Fellow adventurers were also a nightmare. He had yet to decide which was worse- putting up with Girard’s bullshit and Soon’s stoicism and Serini being an entity of manifested chaos, or dealing with nothing but complaints day in and day out.

He needed to talk to his girlfriend.

Fortunately, his Wand of Limitless Sending (homebrew artifacts were the  _ best _ ) (you had no limit on word count and the wand never ran out of charges because you could refill them yourself) had become a permanent fixture of the surface of his massive oak desk (not that it looked very massive with the sheer amount of spellbooks, scrolls, papers, journals, trinkets, and spell components piled on it)- right next to the very small spot right in front of his chair that actually remained free of clutter at almost any given time.

Wizardry: making any spot you are allowed to relax in hell to clean up since the beginning of time.

Dorukan sighed, grabbed the wand, and artfully flicked his wrist. Lirian answered immediately, and he was almost overwhelmed by how relieving it was to see her- even if it  _ was _ just over a Sending.

“It’s good to see you, Dory,” she said softly. “I’m guessing the employees are being headache-inducing?”

“Indeed. They’re petitioning for an employee complaint box, which as they complain now anyway, seems a little ridiculous.”

“Yes, but it means you don’t have to listen to them anymore,” Lirian said, in the tone she used only when she was right and she damn well knew it. 

“ _ This _ is why we got together.”

“And we stayed together because it’s so much more fun to roast the dryads when I’ve got someone to laugh about it.”

“And because, y’know, you’re the center of my entire universe and if I had to burn my spellbooks to stay with you I  _ would _ ,” Dorukan added.

“And if I had to curse the Refuge to stay with you, I would, because you’re much better at making me feel better after I’ve made horrible decisions than the dryads ever were.”

_ Gods, I love you. _

“Anyway, Dory, tell them to make one. It’ll be less likely to get vandalized that way.”

“And I won’t ever have to look at it.”

“You’re supposed to discover the bonuses  _ after _ you let them build it.”

“Well it’s not my fault I’m smart.”

“And yet I’m the reason you and everyone else at the Gates is alive.”

Dorukan pursed his lips and nodded, because Lirian really  _ was _ the only reason any of them survived as long a they did, and it was kind of a miracle  _ anyway _ since Girard was such an asshole most of the time.

Soon was okay. The two of them were never quite  _ good _ friends, but they had a positive relationship nonetheless, and they talked enough to know each other at least as well as they knew everyone else.

_ Aside from the time I let Lir test that spell she invented, and she raised my Constitution through the roof for the next week, but I wound up waking up naked next to Soon with a perfect memory of what had happened, so I’m not sure it was worth it in the long run. _

_ I always thought paladins topped, too. Yet another theory disproved. _

“You’re thinking of the time you slept with my brother, aren’t you.”

“I love you very much, but I’m not as sure about the ‘like’ bit anymore,” Dorukan responded.

“ _ Well _ , I’m free next weekend to make up for that…”

The wizard grinned. So far, only Soon and Serini seemed to be in on how truly salacious she could be.

“ _ That _ , my love, sounds wonder-”

“HEY DORUKAN!!!”

“GAHHHH!”

He must have jumped ten damn feet because not only did the Sending cut out, but he landed  _ on his desk _ .

_ Stupid Rings of Jumping. _

Serini grinned, like the godsdamned  _ imp _ she was, and sauntered over, hopping onto his desk with no regard for the papers she scattered onto the floor.

“Were you talking to Lirian?”

“No.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Huh. And here I thought you two were gonna stick together forever. Nice to see you’ve made progress with construction, though.”

“Yeah. It’s halfway done.”

Serini sighed, sounding extremely fake as she sniffled.

“You know- I never meant to separate you two. When I made that compromise. I’m so sorry, Dorukan. You’ll never see her again, and it’s  _ all my fault _ -”

With that, Serini burst into Banshee hysterics and threw herself onto his lap- the momentum of which knocked him back into his chair.

“Remind me to Fireball Girard for corrupting you when we all make it to the afterlife.”

“Oh look at that, new kid thinks he’s got  _ spunk _ ,” she said, glaring.

Dorukan sighed again. He was, in truth, glad for Serini’s visits- she didn’t go see any of the others, after all, not even Girard or Lirian, and it was nice to talk to more than one person who wasn’t constantly whining.

“I would like you to refer to my previous statement.”

“You can’t Fireball Girard. I love him.”

“No you don- you tried to  _ poison _ him!”

“I tried to poison  _ Soon _ . Girard was just being a little shit.”

“...Soon was immune to poison, though.” 

“Yeah. That’s why I was poisoning him. I wanted to see what arsenic tasted like without, y’know, dying.”

Dorukan gave the halfling in his lap a deeply disturbed look, and she merely grinned.

“Are you  _ sure _ you’re good aligned?”

“No.”

“...you like arts and crafts projects, right?” Dorukan asked lightly.

No, he was not above dumping the job on her to gain more study time.

“Yeah. Why?”

“I need an employee complaint box.”

Serini grinned like the maniac she was, and hopped off his lap and onto the floor.

She sauntered out of his office without saying any more, and Dorukan found himself immediately and immensely regretting his decision.

 

~

“In retrospect-” the wizard began “-I really should have seen this coming.”

The absolute  _ monstrosity _ before him was a large cardboard box about twice his height and ten feet wide, and it was  _ covered _ in glitter.

“I’m proud of it,” Serini said from where she was leaning her head on Dorukan’s hip. 

“You shouldn’t be.”

“I know. That’s half the fun of being proud of it.”

It looked like she’d found every single can of arts and crafts sparkly shit and dip-dyed the box in a giant  _ vat _ of it. Over top of the glitter, in Serini’s unmistakably shitty finger paint handwriting, lay the words ‘talk shit about Dorukan on paper, put it in here’.

For a moment, he merely considered himself fortunate she hadn’t drawn a dick on it, before he noticed the raised outlines of glitter glue that covered the box.

“What did you write on it.”

“I drew a picture of you mourning your ability to get laid. Since, y’know, you’re not in contact with Lir anymore.”

“...I hate you.”

“I treasure those words as a sign that I have done well.”

“Can we at least… I dunno, move it somewhere  _ else _ ?”

“Oh, I would, but I’m just so tired. Maybe you could! Oh wait. Negative Strength modifier. Y’know, if you  _ were _ still talking to Lirian, I know that she could. That girl was the buffest druid I’ve ever met.”

“Yes, she i- was,” Dorukan corrected.

“Pity, though, that you’re not speaking anymore. The box’ll just have to stay here.”

“Serini.”

The halfling peered up at him with massive, angelic brown eyes.

“Yes?”

“Move the fucking box.”

“UUUUGH! Fine. Just because you cursed. Asshat wizard.”

“Freewheeling rogue.”

“Prat.”

“Dunce.”

“Self-important dick.”

“Alcoholic dumbass.”

“HEY! That was one time!”

“And it’s still funny.”

Serini shoved the box out of the immediate way of his office door, and Dorukan folded his arms and watched, trying very hard not to let his smile show on his face.

It may have been one time, but the mere memory of a drunk Serini hanging off an antler chandelier and spinning around while Girard played background cheerleader, Lirian started casting Healing Prayer (ten minute casting time), Kraagor tried to snap the chandelier’s chain, and Soon had a heart attack never failed to put a smile on his face.


	2. STRIKE! CHOMP! SWEARING WIZARD!

“Sir?”

Dorukan glanced up at his assistant.

“Yes?”

“Uh… some of your employees have gone on strike to demand higher wages.”  
“They couldn’t have just told me?”

“Apparently not, but… well, half of them were eaten.”

Dorukan stopped inscribing the half-finished scroll on his desk, turning to face his assistant- who, when he asked for a name, had said ‘the Coffee Fairy’. 

“How many of them?” the wizard asked.

_ Shit. Fuck! The life insurance is enough for a Resurrection, but the families are going to need at least a drop of blood-  _ but _ I set up the trackers a while back, and the base pendants have a vial of everyone’s blood, because that’s what it takes to Lo-Jack your employees to make sure shit like this  _ doesn’t happen _ because none of hem are adventurers and they all  _ constantly  _ underestimate the monsters! _

“Eleven. I already put the espresso on.”

“I’m going to need you to put ‘workplace lecture’ on my schedule tomorrow.”

“Mm. Yeah. Hopefully this incident will have them all  _ listen _ \- that Lo-Jack blood spell you set up has a base spot, it’s in the library, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m assuming you’re using those to Rez everyone.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s going to cost you a lot of money.”

“I’m aware.”

Coffee Fairy shrugged, leaning on the door frame.

“I’ll put it on the books. You still doing life insurance?”

“Considering that dying is a pretty traumatic experience yes, yes I am.”

“...you know you don’t  _ have _ to, right?” They asked, giving Dorukan the look they gave whenever they were wondering whether or not he was actually Good-aligned.

“Yeah.”

“Aight. You’re good for whenever tomorrow- that interviewee cancelled, but the one for day after’s still up for it.”

“The air elemental?”

“Yeah. No previous work experience, but she’s got some basic training as a lawyer, which should help our dwarf problem.”

The wizard groaned. Coffee Fairy snickered. The dwarves that Dorukan had hired to  _ build _ the damn place had turned out to be  _ assholes _ \- and cons, to boot. 

Girard would have had a fucking  _ field day _ , if he were still in contact with Dorukan. The illusionist had always been able to tell who was ripping them off.

He’d also almost always let it happen (with some modified terms so he didn’t  _ actually _ lose anything), because apparently listening to Kraagor, Dorukan, Lirian, and Soon swearing over lost money was hilarious.

“Okay. Just- schedule the lecture. And withdraw the funds for everyone’s Resurrections.”

“You got it, boss.”

“And don’t call me that.”

“You got it, boss.”

They walked out before Dorukan could respond. The wizard sighed, carefully putting his current project in some semblance of neatness, and stood. The library happened to require walking past the place he’d hidden the Talisman- Lir had done at  _ least _ as much work as he had, but she’d insisted it be his name on it (probably so she didn’t wind up punching another one of those ‘vegan’ first-level druids who crowed about how the Talisman was an abomination and Lirian should ‘know better than to create such a thing’).

Which required the monsters there  _ not _ to attack him (they never did. Probably because they knew that testing the patience of a low-epic wizard was a bad idea).

Dorukan pushed open the library doors, heading over the the shelf where the glowing vials of (labeled) blood were stored.

Eleven of them had gone out- meaning that the other anchor of the spell had been destroyed.

He sighed.

“Well. Might as well get to work.”

Dorukan blinked, thinking back on the fact that he did not, in fact, employ a cleric.

“And call Lirian.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the short chapter and the long waits, school has become an actual clusterfuck nightmare. The next one will be longer.


	3. The Construction Con

“So-” Dorukan began, sitting across from the white-haired sylph who’d come for the interview. “Celia, right?”

“Yep!”

She was clearly nervous, but Dorukan was kind of desperate, so he couldn’t afford to be picky. 

“Your resume says you’ve got some credits in law school?”

“Uh- yeah, I do.”

“Do you know enough to call a bunch of conmen on their shit?”

“Probably?”

“Great, you’re hired for the next century, I need help dealing with the construction dwarves.”

Celia blinked, seemingly at a loss for words, and Dorukan stood, handing her her contract.

“Your first job is to come with me and keep the fact that I’ve got a shit Charisma from screwing me over.”

“Uhh… okay?”

 

~

 

“...and to top it off, your regulations are by  _ no _ means up to code, which makes it a total of two hundred and fifty eight years and seven months of prison time, eleven million two thousand nine hundred and twenty six gold in fines, a full reimbursement to my client, and losing your licences as skilled laborers if you don’t clean up your acts and stop cutting corners on the job my client gave you.”

Dorukan resisted the urge not to say ‘what she said’ after Celia finished her speech, but he  _ barely _ managed it.

_ Thank you, gods, for sending me the best employee I will ever have second to the Coffee Fairy. _

The dwarves- who now held expressions ranging from annoyance to guilt- muttered various things, and Celia folded her arms.

“And so, to ensure you are not reneging on our deal, you will be monitored.”

“By who!?” the outraged leader asked.

“Me.”

Dorukan grinned as the Coffee Fairy sauntered up. Construction only took place Monday through Wednesday- the noise would have driven Dorukan insane otherwise- and most of the shit that Dorukan needed an assistant for only happened on the weekend, anyway.

The Coffee Fairy waved Dorukan and Celia away, and the two took the hint and started walking back to the finished part of the dungeon.

“So, uh- is there anything I should know about my new job…?”

“Guard the sigil, spout some sort of cheesy welcoming speech when whatever poor worthy fucker makes it through gets to you, don’t eat in the hallways, and help me with the dwarves, and other than that, I do not care.”

“Like… not even a dress code, here?” The sylph asked. She was clearly used to interviewing with people who expected ten years of job experience and a metric ton of qualifiers, but if Dorukan had learned anything from Girard, it was that the best way to weed out people who weren’t okay with you being weird was to be very, very openly weird.

“No. I do not care. I’m not kidding. Show up looking like a drag queen. Come in full plate. As long as you do your job, I could not give less of a crap what you do. The only reason you can’t eat in the hallways is because the monsters will smell the food and then I have to pay for your Rez. Beyond that, though, I’m not going to tell you what to do, because I don’t care enough to.”

Celia nodded slowly, and Dorukan walked her to the air sigil before heading back to his office. 

A crash told him that someone had fallen into the pit trap outside the Coffee Fairy’s door. Again.

“Who is it?” He called.

“Gods- fucking- WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TRAP YOUR OFFICE!?”

Ah. Serini.

Well, if the oh-so-great rogue couldn’t get herself out of it, Dorukan was pretty content to cast Silence and leave her there, because he’d caught her giving the dwarves tips on how to con him a few days ago, and that was something he was willing to be petty about for a few weeks.

The wizard idly waved a hand in Serini’s general direction, and the rogue who’d been cursing in nine languages pulled out a journal (she’d never  _ really _ broken the habit) and a candle, and started writing that day’s entry.

And then a lightbulb went on, and Serini grinned evilly, and started using her nice handwriting, which she only took the time to write in when she cared whether her chickenscratch was legible to other people.

Namely, several employees who might actually buy that Dorukan needed to be sent to a sanitarium for his own good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus fuCKING CHRIST IT LOOKS LIKE I CAN UPDATE THINGS AFTER ALL! Yeah. Uh. Not doing great right now but thank you to ReconstructWriter, who's comments I sometimes go back and reread because they make me feel warm and fuzzy. Anyway. Let's see if I can actually get Chapter 4 out within the next two weeks.


End file.
